Dressing Room EPIC FAIL

So here's the scoop. I had to go to TJ Maxx this morning to buy a new outfit. I have to attend a ceremony tomorrow at which I will be accepting an award. Which means -- I have to stand up in front of people, and look somewhat presentable.

Here's a little secret. I have not tried on clothes in a dressing room in YEARS. The last time I was in one, I was wearing a size 12... way before my pregnancy. Then once I got pregnant and BALLOONED up, I refused to try on clothes and started buying everything online -- have been doing so ever since. MORESO, I flat-out refused to by "Normal Plus-Sized" clothes and have kept buying MATERNITY clothes... even though my son is now 2 1/2 years old. Yeah... I'm one of those Moms. Flat out denial, is what it was.

So today was actually pretty cathartic for me. I had to accept my size for what it is -- huge. Not "pregnant" huge, but just plain ol' FAT and disgusting huge. The only outfit that I could squeeze into was a size 3X. When the frick did this happen?!?! I don't know, but I sure as heck don't want to ever buy another 3X outfit ever, ever, ever AGAIN.

Not only was I stuck with 3X's... but... they also didn't have ANY dresses or skirts in plus sizes. Are plus sized women supposed to only wear frumpy clothes that make us look ridiculously bigger (and shorter?!) Screw you, fashion industry.

So anyways, I had to by a pair of black shorts to go with my blouse. I wanted a skirt -- they didn't have any bigger than a 16... WTF?! SO I tried on a pair of fat-chick shorts...

... Do you KNOW what is worse than being fat? Being fat... AND SHORT. I put on these so-called "shorts" and whaddya know, they go down to my shins.,, below my knees!! *cry* So they just look like really wide and goofy looking capris on me. Which, when you are so vertically-challenged as I am, capri's make you look even more bigger, and more like a midget. So now I'm just a fat, frumpy, OOMPA LOOMPA... with nicer hair.

I was able to buy some subtle heels to give me a little bit of a lift. But I just kept thinking how if I were about 6-8 inches TALLER, my body wouldn't look so disproportionate. I would actually look statuesque... and to me, statuesque is very beautiful, IMHO.... oompa loompa, not so much.

To make a long-rambly-story short(er)... all in all, it was good therapy for me to get in there and actually see the reality of what I let happen to myself. No, scratch that -- what I have DONE to myself. I've taken ownership of this now. I did this to me (nobody, nothing else)... and it's only ME that can change it. I saw some unrecognizable person staring back at me. I couldn't even beleive my own half-naked body in my reflection... there's much more than just "pudge", I've totally abused my body and become flat-out rolly-polly gargantuan.

... and it ends NOW. I am making this promise to myself, to never abuse myself again.