Bucket List

Well, earlier this afternoon I created a little "Weight-Loss Bucket List"... if you haven't seen it yet, I gave it a permanent home HERE.

I wanted to have a few tangible goals to work towards, aside from just plain ol' "losing weight."

After I posted it... my son was still napping, DH wasn't home from work yet, so I decided to hop on the treadmill for a quick mile before having to make supper.

I am proud to say that I pushed myself to knock one thing off my bucket list -- ALREADY!


I ran 1/4 mile without stopping. Oh, even YESSER, I did!

Not only did I do it once, but TWICE.

I started off my mile by a warm-up walk for the first 1/4 mile. Then ran the next 1/4. Then walked the next 1/4. And then ran the last 1/4... and then walked a few minutes to cool down.

Seriously, as of last week I weighed 260 lbs. I *honestly* didn't think I was capable of running for even a 1/4 mile straight without walking. Guess I proved myself wrong!

Moral Of The Story: Have faith in yourself!! You are MUCH stronger than you think!! Push yourself a little bit, and you will be pleasantly surprised!


I am so happy... life is great, when you actually start living it!

Dressing Room EPIC FAIL

So here's the scoop. I had to go to TJ Maxx this morning to buy a new outfit. I have to attend a ceremony tomorrow at which I will be accepting an award. Which means -- I have to stand up in front of people, and look somewhat presentable.

Here's a little secret. I have not tried on clothes in a dressing room in YEARS. The last time I was in one, I was wearing a size 12... way before my pregnancy. Then once I got pregnant and BALLOONED up, I refused to try on clothes and started buying everything online -- have been doing so ever since. MORESO, I flat-out refused to by "Normal Plus-Sized" clothes and have kept buying MATERNITY clothes... even though my son is now 2 1/2 years old. Yeah... I'm one of those Moms. Flat out denial, is what it was.

So today was actually pretty cathartic for me. I had to accept my size for what it is -- huge. Not "pregnant" huge, but just plain ol' FAT and disgusting huge. The only outfit that I could squeeze into was a size 3X. When the frick did this happen?!?! I don't know, but I sure as heck don't want to ever buy another 3X outfit ever, ever, ever AGAIN.

Not only was I stuck with 3X's... but... they also didn't have ANY dresses or skirts in plus sizes. Are plus sized women supposed to only wear frumpy clothes that make us look ridiculously bigger (and shorter?!) Screw you, fashion industry.

So anyways, I had to by a pair of black shorts to go with my blouse. I wanted a skirt -- they didn't have any bigger than a 16... WTF?! SO I tried on a pair of fat-chick shorts...

... Do you KNOW what is worse than being fat? Being fat... AND SHORT. I put on these so-called "shorts" and whaddya know, they go down to my shins.,, below my knees!! *cry* So they just look like really wide and goofy looking capris on me. Which, when you are so vertically-challenged as I am, capri's make you look even more bigger, and more like a midget. So now I'm just a fat, frumpy, OOMPA LOOMPA... with nicer hair.

I was able to buy some subtle heels to give me a little bit of a lift. But I just kept thinking how if I were about 6-8 inches TALLER, my body wouldn't look so disproportionate. I would actually look statuesque... and to me, statuesque is very beautiful, IMHO.... oompa loompa, not so much.

To make a long-rambly-story short(er)... all in all, it was good therapy for me to get in there and actually see the reality of what I let happen to myself. No, scratch that -- what I have DONE to myself. I've taken ownership of this now. I did this to me (nobody, nothing else)... and it's only ME that can change it. I saw some unrecognizable person staring back at me. I couldn't even beleive my own half-naked body in my reflection... there's much more than just "pudge", I've totally abused my body and become flat-out rolly-polly gargantuan.

... and it ends NOW. I am making this promise to myself, to never abuse myself again.

GRRRRL I'm gonna make you SWEAT!

... or, "I'm MELTING"... either one is appropriate for the title of this post!

I just finished up 45 minutes of walk/run intervals on my treadmill. Yeah seriously, this 260ish lb fatty was running (and flapping and bouncing) away! Seriously, if I can do it, so can everyone else out there.

And, I worked up a sweat... a major sweat. Like dripping down my face and soaking my shirt kind of sweat.

And it feels SO good.

Why?

Reason #1: (the obvious), Exercise releases endorphins, the "feel good" chemicals in the brain... hence, the "runner's high."

... but more importantly for ME...

Reason #2: When I sweat, I *know* that I'm burning fat and calories... energy burned is released as heat, heat leaves the body through perspiration. I see the sweat as a visual representation of the fat that's melting away. So when I work up a good sweat, I know that I know that I  know that I KNOW I am actually melting. Sweat = Melting. And thus, Melting = losing weight and gettin' skinny ;o)

And the best part is that I don't WANT to be done. I had to get off the thing to stop and pee. I guess I'll probably have a post-workout snack and if my son is still napping I just may hop on and do some more. We'll see!

TREADMILL!!! OH, EVEN YESSER!!!

In case you couldn't deduct from the title -- I GOT A TREADMILL TONIGHT!!! A wonderful, WONDERFUL woman I know gave me this treadmill... and I am in LOVE with it. I told my husband while driving back from her house, that I have been waiting my WHOLE life for my own treadmill... this is like a dream come true. I never thought that I would be able to afford a decent and WORKING treadmill... but here I am, absolutely BLESSED with a beautiful and barely used one!

This is an absolute blessing. A definite gift-from-GOD. It's almost as if HE handed this over to me and said, "Here you go... this is my gift to you... now take it and run with it!" (You know, 'cause the big man loves puns, hehe) I MUST make good use of this gift and cannot WILL NOT take it for granted!!

So after we set it up, we had a dinner, I put my son to bed... and while my husband watched Sunday-night-baseball on the couch -- I hopped on the treadmill, set the incline to 1.5, speed to 3 MPH (hey, I'm just starting out here) and did my thaaaaang for 45 mins. WOO-HOO! I feel absolutely FANTABULOUS.

I'm setting my alarm for o-dark-thirty and think I'll just get a little walkity-walk in before my Mommy duties begin. My DH is out the door at 4am every morning... so really if I get up anytime between 4-8am I'll have the whoooooooooole house to myself, peace and quiet, to focus on ME and my treadmill.

I think I have to give her a name. (and yes, she's a girl... so my husband doesn't get jealous, teehee.) I'll have to think on that one for a few... but she definitely needs a name... afterall, she Is my new running partner. (okay okay, so I'm not running, YET. I will be soon enough, just have to get a few more pounds of this fat-suit off!)

Day 3: 5/22/2011

Another day down, and another 1/2 pound gone. Horray! This is great! I'm SO looking forward to this week's weigh-in... I don't care how much I lose, as long as I lose SOMETHING. After not being able to loose even an ounce for the past however-many-months, it sure does feel really fantastic to be able to finally start losing again.

I am trying to remember that this is a marathon and not a race. Slow and steady. I don't have to be the hare -- but rather be the tortoise and FINISH.

Hubby and I are going to check out that treadmill today... I can't freaking WAIT.

Spunkisuzi is hosting a new challenge this week that I'm joining in on. Her challenge is to add fruits and/or veggies to EVERY meal throughout the day. Sounds good to me! Those are things that I typically "forget" about when having my in-between-meals. Sometimes I'll have yogurt/cheese/cup of cereal, but I often forget to throw in some banana, or an apple, or whatever. I'm usually pretty good about getting veggies in during lunch/dinner... however, my fruit is ALWAYS insufficient.

So this week, the goal is to stick some sort of fruit and/or vegetable into my mouth every time I eat. Great plan!

I'm also noticing that my supplements are really helping to control my appetite. More importantly, I am conscious of the fact that my EYES are way bigger than my stomach. Example: Yesterday I re-heated 5 grilled (not breaded) chicken wings to have with my lunch, along with a 1/2 cup of close slaw. I ate the slaw first... and then I could only eat 2 wings. Seriously, I was stuffed! It dawned on me that I didn't *need* to eat the rest of my meal... it was perfectly okay to eat until I was full and put the rest back in the frigde. What a novel concept.

It seems that naturally "thin" people automatically eat like that anyways. Their bodies tell them when enough is enough. One of my long-term goals for this journey is to learn what portions my BODY requires (not my brain).

"Progress, not perfection" is becoming my new mantra. I don't have to be absolutely perfect all of the time (which results in throwing in the towel if I ever have a less-than-perfect day)... as long as I'm making continuous and steady PROGRESS, I am on the right track. Letting go of my old "all-or-nothing" mentality is absolutely vital to long-term sustainability.

Day 2: 5/21/2011

I woke up early with my husband today... saw him off to work, had a cup of coffee, and did a workout video before breakfast. The early morning energy surge was GREAT! I miss the days of early morning workouts... it is definitely one of my goals to get back into that habit for good.

On a positive note, it looks like I may be getting a treadmill!! I sent out a plea to my facebook friends, asking if anyone had one they weren't using anymore. Lo and behold, a woman belonging to my church sent me a message a few days later. I go to look at it tomorrow afternoon, and if everything goes well, DH will grab it with a buddy of his tomorrow evening!

You have no idea how exciting this is. My GREATEST issue with exercise, has been trying to find a way to do it at home, while everyone is sleeping. Let's face it, when you're a mother, you don't exactly have any downtime while your family is awake... those needy little trolls, I tell ya! (Just kidding, I love my family very dearly.) But cripes, I can't even remember the last time I was able to go #2 alone and uninterrupted.

Now back when I was single, I successfully lost some weight by a.) joining a gym and b.) working 2 jobs that had me moving/lifting constantly on my feet for 12 hours/day. I don't have the luxury of a gym membership now (and can't afford one...), I don't have the money (or space) for a home-gym, and I certainly don't have the ability to go for a walk with the little-guy when it's pouring rain for 3 weeks straight, or snowing, or sleeting, or hailing, or drizzely, or cold... and that pretty much accounts for 2/3 of the year. So in order for me to get in a WALK -- the weather has to be okay, AND it has to be "NOT-naptime", because well, the 2-year-old terror-o-mine doesn't exactly nap well in the stroller. The crib is way better... for him, and for me!

Enter: treadmill. Tiny-tot goes down for his nap -- Mommy hops on the treadmill and does a little couch-to-5k. Or, Mommy wakes up before tiny-tot -- hops on the treadmill. Tiny-tot goes to bed for the night -- Mommy hops on the treadmill. OH the possibilities are endless!! I can't wait.

On another note, I wound up dropping a little over 1/2 lb when I weighed myself this morning! After months of nothing but GAINS, this is a good thing! I am starting to think that I am really increasing my metabolic weight and may actually be able to start losing again. LIFE IS GOOD! I can't wait until weigh-in day to actually log my week's loss (Goal is 2lbs /week). And it WILL be a loss. No more of this "gaining" bullarcky. Nope. Ain't happenin'. Those days are LONG GONE! I'm in complete control again and it's absolutely liberating.

Also, to note... I've been peeing like a champ. I think if my metabolic rate is increasing, than so is my metabolic waste. Metabolic waste is excreted two ways -- by the kidneys in the form of urine, and CO2 by the lungs (CO2 = metabolic waste produced during the conversion of glucose to energy... long story, if you really want to know, message me sometime and I'll give you a crash course in biochemistry. LOL!) Anyways, if my urine output is increasing, then I am guessing that my metabolic waste is increasing, and my metabolic rate thus must be increasing as well. Interesting thought, doncha think? I'm not drinking that much more water than usual (I'm a water-a-holic anyways), so maybe it's my metabolism actually working correctly for a change?!?!?!?!? Whodda thunk it.

Day 1: 5/20/2011

TODAY is the first day of the rest of my life.

After several (read: several hundred...) failed attempts to lose weight after having a child, I decided to ask for a little help in the form of a dietary supplement. We'll see if this supplement helps to give me a jump-start and motivate me to finish the race, or if it's just another hoax. We'll see. 

The bottom line... I eat extremely healthy. I keep my calories low. I eat a well-balanced diet full of nutritious meals that I make from scratch. I exercise. And yet, I don't lose weight... in fact, if I STOP exercising for say, a week, I typically gain 10 lbs. REALLY?! WTF!

So this is it... I must live a physically active lifestyle, day in and day out. No excuses, poor weather or not, I must be active. I must lose the weight to BE active, and I must BE active to lose the weight... which came first, the chicken or the egg?????????????

Today is the first day on my supplements. Don't judge me. I'm bringing everything out in the open... hiding the truth of MY reality won't allow me to heal. I became fat because I hid from reality of SMALL weight gain, which led to more weight gain, and before I knew it my weight was spiraling dangerously out of control.

Today, I feel fantastic. FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC. I feel, for the first time in years, that there is hope for me. I'm not destined to be fat forever. Fat is NOT ME. Fat is suffocating me. FAT is preventing me from living my life. FAT is NOT ME. NOT ME!!

I weighed in at 260 lbs today. Technically, I'm not supposed to weigh every day. But for the first week I will, just to see what I need to tweak, if anything. After week 1, I'll move to weekly weigh-ins on Wednesdays or Thursdays. 

I ate like crap for half of today. I wasn't expecting my supplement to come in the mail (but it did), and I wasn't planning to begin my journey today... but I did. Who cares if you don't start off the day "right"?! Just jump in the freaking game and GIT R DONE. So once my supps arrived, I said to myself, "Okay, now it's time. Just DO IT. From here on out, take care of yourself. Starting NOW!!!!!!!"

So, the afternoon went well. I guzzled my water like an olympic tri-athlete. I didn't snack on anything out of sheer boredom. If it wasn't "time" to eat, I didn't eat. Plain and simple. 

OH, and I managed to squeeze in a 1/2 hour cardio workout while my child was taking his afternoon nap. 

For dinner I had 3 BBQ chicken wings, a smidgen of salisbury steak, mashed potatoes, a cup of steamed brocoli w/ sauteed onions. Not ideal, but realistic for "take-out". I can't expect to live the rest of my life never eating take-out, never eating anything at social engagements, never having a slice of birthday cake, etc. Balance and moderation are what I am striving for here. My husband likes take out once in a while... I think my meal was way better than having fried calamari and pepperoni pizza. So there >:P

If the weather is nice tomorrow, I'll take my son for a walk. If not, well then I guess it's another work-out video during naptime. We've had a hell-ish few weeks of rain (every... single... gosh-be-darn minute!!) so it sure would be nice to get OUT of my freaking house.

OH PS -- my weekly weight-loss goal is 2 lbs per week. AND, I am starting a "pounds-for-pennies" jar... each weigh-in-day, I will put in $5 per pound lost. If I gain weight, I take the money out and hide it... not being able to put it back until the weight is lost again. So, if I lose 20 lbs, I'll have $100. If I lose 100 lbs, I'll have $500 in there to buy a new wardrobe. That is my goal... a jar full of money to blow on fun new (and SMALL) clothes when I'm finally at a comfortable weight. 

Money is such a wonderful motivator, eh? To bad I couldn't set up some sort of pay-pal "No More Fatty Mom" fundraiser/pledge thingy, to get all of my friends to chip in even $.25 per pound lost. Then I'd REALLY be motivated to see how much money I could make, HAH! Oh well.